Textual Proof of How Misguided Some Mothers Can Be

Discovered from the deep depth of an iPhone Messages folder. I could wade in there, making judgements but seeing that it was my iPhone…..



Daughter: Do you need chicken saved for you? 
Mother: Nope
Mother: That was random
Daughter: Sorry, we is hungryyy
Mother: No worries. If you need buy a Chinese.
Mother: Not man, but dish.
Daughter: You what? 
Daughter: Ohhhh……Why would I want a Chinese man…..
Mother: Exactly
Mother: Unless it is Brandon Lee
Mother: Google him
Mother: Brandon Lee in the crow
Daughter: Watching glee, no can do
Mother: Brandon led
Mother: Lee
Mother: Even. 
Mother: Better
Mother: Schlurrp
Daughter: Ewwww
Daughter: *pukes*
Mother: Like bootylicious
Mother: You wouldn’t want to puke on Brandon lee
Mother: He’s Bruce Lee’s son
Daughter: I might do… Yu never know
Mother: He’s dead
Mother: Like his dad
Mother: It would be unfair
Daughter: Ohh
Mother: He cannae puke back
Daughter: Why are you getting in a tizz about a dead dude? 
Mother: Cos he is beautiful
Daughter: Not anymore he’s not

Mother: He will always be beautiful

Daughter: Ummm

Mother: What?

Daughter: *cough* he looks charming *cough*

Mother: That was from a film

Daughter: I’m sure it was….


Mother: Try this one

Mother: It’ll cure you of your ginger addiction

Daughter: I have no ginger addiction

Mother: Ok. Secret closet problem

Daughter: No

Daughter: He was a one off

Mother: ******* would be ginger if he was shorter and skinnier

Mother: He’s diluted

Daughter: Ummmm

Daughter: That doesn’t even work

Mother: Yes it does

Mother: But Brandon Lee was beautiful, or must agree

Daughter: Yes, he was

Mother: Ok, I’ll leave you in each now

Daughter: But I is enjoying this conversation

Mother: Above and beyond glee?

Daughter: Of course

Mother: Michael Pare is beautiful too. I don’t think he’s dead yet

Daughter: What do you have with the dead dead thing? 

Mother: Need to prioritise

Daughter: Oohhhhhhhhhh

Mother: Uh huh

Daughter: Mmmmmhhmmm

Mother: Beaten up boys.

Mother: Better than beaten up eggs

Daughter: Can I say nom or is that inappropriate considering I fell out of your hooch? 

Mother: I wouldn’t need rice to eat him with

Mother: Nope. Share alike.

Daughter: xD xD xD xD

Mother: Just don’t google recent photos

Mother: Not good

Daughter: Wrinkle-ness? 

Mother: Pancake facedness

Daughter: Noice

Mother: Might be an acquired taste this next one


Daughter: Yeah………No……

Mother: H is six foot four and I can vouch for his manhood

Mother: He has a small head

Mother: Would make pretty babies

Mother: Still alive

Daughter: Does ******* have a big head? 

Mother: Err. Yes

Daughter: Lol

Daughter: Big head

Mother: Yup

Daughter: ** had a small head…..I think

Daughter: I can’t remember

Mother: Just keep on going. Don’t stop at that thought.

Daughter: No… it was an average sized head

Mother: Just big hair

Daughter: That’s true

Mother: Anyway. John is packing up. With any luck the van will run and we will be home no problem.

Mother: Is baby behaving?

Daughter: No she turned into a fire breathing dragon and singed off what exists of her eyebrows.

Mother: Ooooo. Did you take photies?

Daughter: Nahh, I was on the toilet.

Mother: Nice.

Mother: Number one or two?

Daughter: Duddddeeeeee

Daughter: Not cool

Mother: I know. I’m your mother

Daughter: That’s wrong on so many levels

Mother: I know. You should have rescued your sister.

Daughter: she was a dragon, what was I supposed to do? 

Mother: Couldn’t have been that big.

Daughter: Size isn’t everything

Mother: You’ll learn 

Daughter: Ewwwwwww

Daughter: Major cringe….

Mother: So would you presented with (place arbitrary number here) inches

Daughter: ****** inches of what, may I ask?

Mother: Willy!!!!

Mother: Erect!

Daughter: Mummy.

Mother: You need to know these things.

Mother: some men would use that to get sympathy shags.

Mother: Do not fall for it.

Daughter: I don’t think you’ve imparted anything that was worth the amount of cringe I am going through right now

Mother: You’ll thank me later.

Daughter: For what?

Daughter: You haven’t really told me anything…..

Mother: Yes I have.

Mother: No big heads.

Mother: ****** is a diluted ginger

Mother: ** has a small head

Daughter: So?

Mother: An men will try anything to get a sympathy shag. Even the one with a small willy. They have no scruples.

Daughter: Ummm, I already knew all of this

Mother: What??? Even the bit about men with small willies will probably try to stick it up your jacksie? 

Mother: Cos they can’t feel anything otherwise.

Daughter: Ewwwwwww

Daughter: Please stop now

Mother: See. I still have things to teach you.

Daughter: I puked

Mother: Ok.

Mother: We have no dettol

Daughter: We have dettol floor stuff

Daughter: is all good

Mother: Ok. Shall go now, my is done today.

Daughter: *dies*







6 thoughts on “Textual Proof of How Misguided Some Mothers Can Be

    • Thank you, you guys. I’ve been too busy hurting myself at roller derby, or thinking I’m pre-menopausal (no chance of it, it seems). Have missed you all but have had a cracking Christmas and lOoking forward to going back to the gym and recounting cringeworthy stories of me trying to consolidate cake eating and trying to achieve buff-ting-ness.

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